Redemption

So there I was, on my knees on the tile floor of the handicapped stall of my gym, caught somewhere between sobs of anger and lunacy. I must have dropped that “F bomb” about a dozen times before bringing myself to look at the little pink plus sign again through blurred eyes. And, on the other side of the door? One of my best friends, giggling with joy. I think she even congratulated me. I had called her and said it was an emergency, and in true BFF form, she had offered to go get the pee stick and meet me at a central location on my way from one job to the next. I still owe her 8 bucks. Those things aren’t cheap.

You see? I was supposed to be the one setting an example. The responsible oldest daughter. The church going college student. Not the knocked up Browne’s Addition barista. “My parents are going to murder me. I’m 23, but still. How do I tell them? How do I tell him? He’s going to skip town, lose my number, deny it. It. What is it? What will the rest of my life look like with it?”

I called my manager. “I can’t make it in today. Ummm my cousin was in a terrible car accident. I’m upset.” (Whitney, I want you to know I would never wish that on you, but thanks for being my scapegoat). WTF? Why didn’t I just say I had the flu like normal people with morning sickness they dont want anyone to know about? Clearly, I was off my game.

Then came the long drive downtown. I called the other party responsible for this situation and told him to meet me out in front of his work. That was all I had planned to say, but he could hear something in my voice I suppose, and before I could think, I blurted out, “I’m pregnant.”

“Welp, that went well. By the time I get to his work he will probably be half way to Seattle wearing a hoodie, sunglasses and fake mustache. Wait… Is that him? He’s smiling. Laughing. Hold on… don’t hug me. Didn’t you hear what I said? Our lives are over. Who are you on the phone with? Your MOM?! Oh, hell no! I’ve never even met the woman!”

He got in my car and we drove. Just drove. He was genuinely excited aaaaaand so was his mom. I felt oddly… okay. I wasn’t alone. He would stay. It was never a question to him. I wonder if more babies, families, hearts could be saved if every young mother had someone to cry with. If you’re reading this and you need that, I’d be honored to be that person for you.

Fast forward another 7 months and our game changer was born. A perfect 6lb 5oz little torpedo with my nose and his eye brows. You’ll be happy to know my parents let me live. They loved me through each step of it all. (Although, the day I told them would make for another great post. It was Mother’s day. Again… WTF, Joslyn? Not thinking clearly.) And, that baby girl along with her siblings that would follow, are “their joy” as put by my father.

Joey and I were married another 7 months after the birth of Sofia. On a hot day in August, we stood there (on the surface of the effing sun) taking communion together while holding our baby girl in between us, thanking God for her, for bringing us here, together. This is our redemption story.

His will for my life was not to give it all away to someone I barely knew (no matter how many tattoos he had or how tight his skinny jeans were). His will for my life was not that I be left on a bathroom floor scared and uncertain. His will for my life was not to have to question the father of my child or live fearful of the future. I made a choice which led me to that bathroom stall that day. That was on me. That was on Joey. But, not once did He leave me alone. He was there in my friend coming to my rescue with her ridiculously optimistic attitude helping me keep my head above water. He was there in my husband. The man who did more than just own up to the outcome of our actions, but who embraced it immediately with joy and helped me find that joy myself. He was there in my soon to be inlaws who made me feel welcome and unashamed. He was there in my parents, who took us in and loved us all fiercely. He was there at my side as our beautiful little surprise came quietly into this world on a cold January day. And He was there on August 22nd, 2009 as we held her close in between us and prayed a prayer of unity, love and promise.

Every day each one of us is faced with decisions ranging from the inconsequential to the life altering. Never be ashamed of your choices. Jesus covered that. He took my shame and guilt and fear and inadaquacies and turned them into an incredible love story who’s ending will never be written. Friends, act in love, seek truth and you will find redemption.